Tea Party! Sister Sarah! Ayn Rand! Raggedy And! Rand Paul!
It is all so confusing! Nothing makes sense!
The Republicans took a huge budget surplus and turned it into a monstrous deficit. They did that, partly by cutting taxes on people who made a lot of money, and partly by refusing to include the cost of a war we did not need in the budget. They hated big government and made it bigger. They hated government regulation of private enterprise more than they hated Bill Clinton, so Wall Street invented ways to divide NYSE initials by 37.5, divide it by a formula for cough medicine, submit the remainder to an acrostic program, and sell whatever came out to people as a way to get rich without every knowing what it was they just bought. When the roof caved in, they gave three trainloads of money to whoever could argue they were too big to fail.
Then, when the roof caved in, we elected Democrats, who said, "What happened?" and "Oh, my good god, the roof is caving in!" Then the Bank repossessed the house, and Chrysler went broke because it deserved to, and everybody said, "Look! We are up shit creek, and the President is a Black Democrat, and the government is giving all the money to the rich guys, and Sarah Palin gave up being Gobernator of Alaska half-way through her first term, and Rand Paul said government had every right to ban discrimination in government-owned enterprises, but that people who owned their own businesses had every right to be as fascist as they chose, but that he, of course, would never do anything like that, although they had every right to do that because we are a free country, and if we want to say ugly things and do uglier things, if we own the things, then maybe the South will rise again!
British Petroleum blew a cheap plug in an oil well in the Gulf of Mexico, and as it seems that our whole east coast is going to get lubricated, people got all pissed off, again, and said that government, whom they have always hated, and tried to starve to death because government is bad, and incompetent, and ought to be drowned in a bathtub, was to blame for not being able to stop the oil leak which British Petroleum said they had not really thought would happen, but that they were willing to pay up to half a day's wages to almost anybody, and that the rest was really the responsibility of government.
So if, as someone said, your name begins with "Senator" or "Congressman", everybody hates you for all of that, and more and better besides.
If we did not know, with all the the serenity of a Christian holding four aces, that this is the Greatest Nation in the world, God's New Eden, and that we are God's Special People, and that the problem is taxes, and government, and people with brown and black skin, and that there is no way a Jew or a Muslim or a Hindu or a Secular Idiot can really be as American as a tea-bag-dangling Baptist from south of the Mason-Dixon line, we would be in big trouble right now. But we do know God loves those of us who are Christian, and Libertarian, and are smart enough to stock Spam and ammunition because the Communists and other Bible-hating free thinkers and homo-types are going to take over this country and begin selling French Fries, again.
This is no time to let down our guard, or to waste time thinking! This is a time to act! Get away from the middle, where all the liberal left-wingers are! Maybe we should all move to Costa Rica with Rush Limbaugh. Maybe just to Arizona. Build a fence. Rent-a-Boy. Get back to our principles.
Oh, dear god! It is enough to almost make one wish.
It is all so confusing! Nothing makes sense!
The Republicans took a huge budget surplus and turned it into a monstrous deficit. They did that, partly by cutting taxes on people who made a lot of money, and partly by refusing to include the cost of a war we did not need in the budget. They hated big government and made it bigger. They hated government regulation of private enterprise more than they hated Bill Clinton, so Wall Street invented ways to divide NYSE initials by 37.5, divide it by a formula for cough medicine, submit the remainder to an acrostic program, and sell whatever came out to people as a way to get rich without every knowing what it was they just bought. When the roof caved in, they gave three trainloads of money to whoever could argue they were too big to fail.
Then, when the roof caved in, we elected Democrats, who said, "What happened?" and "Oh, my good god, the roof is caving in!" Then the Bank repossessed the house, and Chrysler went broke because it deserved to, and everybody said, "Look! We are up shit creek, and the President is a Black Democrat, and the government is giving all the money to the rich guys, and Sarah Palin gave up being Gobernator of Alaska half-way through her first term, and Rand Paul said government had every right to ban discrimination in government-owned enterprises, but that people who owned their own businesses had every right to be as fascist as they chose, but that he, of course, would never do anything like that, although they had every right to do that because we are a free country, and if we want to say ugly things and do uglier things, if we own the things, then maybe the South will rise again!
British Petroleum blew a cheap plug in an oil well in the Gulf of Mexico, and as it seems that our whole east coast is going to get lubricated, people got all pissed off, again, and said that government, whom they have always hated, and tried to starve to death because government is bad, and incompetent, and ought to be drowned in a bathtub, was to blame for not being able to stop the oil leak which British Petroleum said they had not really thought would happen, but that they were willing to pay up to half a day's wages to almost anybody, and that the rest was really the responsibility of government.
So if, as someone said, your name begins with "Senator" or "Congressman", everybody hates you for all of that, and more and better besides.
If we did not know, with all the the serenity of a Christian holding four aces, that this is the Greatest Nation in the world, God's New Eden, and that we are God's Special People, and that the problem is taxes, and government, and people with brown and black skin, and that there is no way a Jew or a Muslim or a Hindu or a Secular Idiot can really be as American as a tea-bag-dangling Baptist from south of the Mason-Dixon line, we would be in big trouble right now. But we do know God loves those of us who are Christian, and Libertarian, and are smart enough to stock Spam and ammunition because the Communists and other Bible-hating free thinkers and homo-types are going to take over this country and begin selling French Fries, again.
This is no time to let down our guard, or to waste time thinking! This is a time to act! Get away from the middle, where all the liberal left-wingers are! Maybe we should all move to Costa Rica with Rush Limbaugh. Maybe just to Arizona. Build a fence. Rent-a-Boy. Get back to our principles.
Oh, dear god! It is enough to almost make one wish.
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