The Designated Grammarian

When I was a mere lad, in my early forties,
the American League adopted the designated hitter rule.
They weren't scoring enough runs, and they decided that
pitchers were the worst hitters, so they platooned the pitchers.
For more than a century, pitchers took their turns at bat.
Babe Ruth had been a pitcher: a whalloping good pitcher!

I have been listening to Bert Blyleven and Dick Bremer,
the Minnesota Twins broadcasters on Fox Sports North,
lamenting the fact that when they play National League teams
in National League parks, the pitchers have to hit.
It has something to do with getting their asses kicked.

Their logic is that pitchers are fragile, and should not
have to play offense. I use that term deliberately because
they are using a football argument. Football players
also used to play both offense and defense, but now
it is rare to see a football player do both.

Neither Blyleven nor Bremer are arguing that baseball
should double their numbers, and completely divide
offense from defense, but why not? Football did!
Is it not the case that almost every player is better at one
than at the other? Even if not, fresh is better than tired.

Any argument for designated hitters for pitchers
is an argument for designated hitters for everyone.
What is good for the goose is good for the shortstop.

I love the awful decisions National League managers
have to make about whether to take out the pitcher
because right now they need a hit. Let them sweat!
It makes for a much more complex game.

Maybe that is why Bert Blyleven does not understand it.

What we really need is for Bert to be admitted, finally,
to the Hall of Fame, so that we do not have to listen to him,
and celebrate his birthday, every day, and wonder how
it is possible never to have learned what an adverb is.

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