It is essential, if you are a politician--
and who is not running for the presidency these days?--
to remember some basic rules. For instance,
Always compare the best of your religion
with the worst of other religions!
There! You have one hurdle out of the way!
You can ignore the worst of your own religion and the best of others.
It is quite likely that none of the candidates for the presidency
have ever heard of the Thirty Years War.
It was a bloody mess between Christian factions, from 1618-1648.
One way to think of it was that, at the time,
there were two major factions in the Christian religion:
the Shia and the Sunnis.
There were smaller sects, too, of course, and it came to this:
it seemed best that they kill each other
in the name of God, and truth, and pastureland.
If you need a comparison, you might think of
Protestant and Catholic Muslims.
(Before you correct me, let me plead
that the names and details are not important,
because death and damnation and destruction
are pretty much the same everywhere.)
And here is another rule:
Ignore what you know to be true: focus on
big money and small voters.
It isn't necessary to remember that all of us, here, are immigrants.
Even the Native Americans came here, the long way around
from Africa, and Asia, and Siberia. They did get here first,
but that doesn't count for much because we outnumber them,
and we had smallpox and guns.
Guns are important.
It is good to remember that, isn't it?
It isn't necessary to admit that burning mountains of coal
and an ocean of oil and gas is screwing up the atmosphere.
Just say that ice has always melted when it gets warm,
and a rising tide raises all boats: things like that.
Nobody lives in Greenland, anyway.
What do pinhead scientists know?
What does it matter what they know?
Scientists talk about black holes and quarks.
Have you ever seen either a black hole or a quark?
I didn't think so. Neither have I, actually.
It isn't a rule, but it ought to be a rule that
a scapegoat is better than thinking.
It is Obama's fault.
Everything is Obama's fault.
After all, he was born in Kenya,
smuggled himself in swaddling cloths into Hawaii,
owned slaves during the Civil War,
attended a Muslim church in Chicago wearing a burka,
got through Occidental College and Columbia
and Harvard Law School, somehow!
(How did that happen? He was black, for God's sake!)
He started the war in Iraq.
He drove us into a recession.
He refuses to cooperate with Congress,
in spite of the fact that Congress had plenty of time to cooperate:
they didn't do anything else.
"Oh, I could go on all day. . . ." explaining to you
how Obama causes floods and famine and pestilence,
but you know all that. He even wants your old shotgun!
There are communists in the basement of the White House,
and I do not mean Bernie Sanders: that is another story!
What do climatologists know about climate?
What do physicists know about physics,
or doctors know about vaccinations?
Real doctors, good doctors, run for the presidency,
and explain that Joseph built the pyramids to store corn cobs in,
and say it might be necessary to bomb kids in Syria;
that it is something like a brain operation.
Here is another rule: Don't get bogged down in details!
Just say you have a plan, and that it going to be great,
and that we are going to be great again,
and that the wall is going to be really beautiful!
That will help people to forget who has all the money, too,
and that they want the rest of it.
Did that war last only thirty years? Really?
and who is not running for the presidency these days?--
to remember some basic rules. For instance,
Always compare the best of your religion
with the worst of other religions!
There! You have one hurdle out of the way!
You can ignore the worst of your own religion and the best of others.
It is quite likely that none of the candidates for the presidency
have ever heard of the Thirty Years War.
It was a bloody mess between Christian factions, from 1618-1648.
One way to think of it was that, at the time,
there were two major factions in the Christian religion:
the Shia and the Sunnis.
There were smaller sects, too, of course, and it came to this:
it seemed best that they kill each other
in the name of God, and truth, and pastureland.
If you need a comparison, you might think of
Protestant and Catholic Muslims.
(Before you correct me, let me plead
that the names and details are not important,
because death and damnation and destruction
are pretty much the same everywhere.)
And here is another rule:
Ignore what you know to be true: focus on
big money and small voters.
It isn't necessary to remember that all of us, here, are immigrants.
Even the Native Americans came here, the long way around
from Africa, and Asia, and Siberia. They did get here first,
but that doesn't count for much because we outnumber them,
and we had smallpox and guns.
Guns are important.
It is good to remember that, isn't it?
It isn't necessary to admit that burning mountains of coal
and an ocean of oil and gas is screwing up the atmosphere.
Just say that ice has always melted when it gets warm,
and a rising tide raises all boats: things like that.
Nobody lives in Greenland, anyway.
What do pinhead scientists know?
What does it matter what they know?
Scientists talk about black holes and quarks.
Have you ever seen either a black hole or a quark?
I didn't think so. Neither have I, actually.
It isn't a rule, but it ought to be a rule that
a scapegoat is better than thinking.
It is Obama's fault.
Everything is Obama's fault.
After all, he was born in Kenya,
smuggled himself in swaddling cloths into Hawaii,
owned slaves during the Civil War,
attended a Muslim church in Chicago wearing a burka,
got through Occidental College and Columbia
and Harvard Law School, somehow!
(How did that happen? He was black, for God's sake!)
He started the war in Iraq.
He drove us into a recession.
He refuses to cooperate with Congress,
in spite of the fact that Congress had plenty of time to cooperate:
they didn't do anything else.
"Oh, I could go on all day. . . ." explaining to you
how Obama causes floods and famine and pestilence,
but you know all that. He even wants your old shotgun!
There are communists in the basement of the White House,
and I do not mean Bernie Sanders: that is another story!
What do climatologists know about climate?
What do physicists know about physics,
or doctors know about vaccinations?
Real doctors, good doctors, run for the presidency,
and explain that Joseph built the pyramids to store corn cobs in,
and say it might be necessary to bomb kids in Syria;
that it is something like a brain operation.
Here is another rule: Don't get bogged down in details!
Just say you have a plan, and that it going to be great,
and that we are going to be great again,
and that the wall is going to be really beautiful!
That will help people to forget who has all the money, too,
and that they want the rest of it.
Did that war last only thirty years? Really?
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