"What do you call people who practice the rhythm method of birth control?"
"Parents."
Tim Pawlenty, Governor of the Great and Sovereign State of Minnesota, who has mercifully almost abandoned attention to the State while he is running unannounced to become the next President of The United States, is an advocate of the rhythm method of cutting taxes.
The rhythm method of birth control is a deliberate plan for people to have sex precisely when, as the theory goes, the woman's ovulation cycle makes it impossible for her to conceive. Tiny Tim is a serious Christian, not of the Catholic type, but like Catholics, of the sort that believes that God invented marriage and sex for the purpose of making babies, and that if you aren't married and don't want babies, you shouldn't have sex. Contraception is considered to be a sin, whether it be of the B. F. Goodrich variety, or of the Dow Chemical variety.
And, much worse, there is no legitimate purpose for marriage other than to have children. God said, "Be fruitful and multiply and don't use condoms!" And people who aren't married shouldn't have children, because God invented marriage for the purpose of having children. So!, if you aren't married, don't have sex, because that is for making babies. And don't screw with the logic of the system by thwarting the process by using condoms, or pills, or taking cold showers afterwards!
Now Tim thinks taxes are awful, so he has spent his Governorship sailing across the Sovereign State in a shallow-draft boat, smiling at us and refusing to raise taxes. He has spent a lot of money, but he borrowed much of that, because taxes are awful. As you can see, Tiny is just about the perfect candidate to be our next Republican nominee for the Presidency.
But life, even on a shallow-draft boat, is not always smooth sailing. Recently, the Federal Government made almost a million dollars available to Minnesota for birth control education and programming. Tiny turned the money down because it did not simply advocate abstinence as a birth control measure for young people. It did advocate abstinence, but not just abstinence, because, as everybody knows, people don't abstain. They screw around, and then what?
It doesn't matter that the Sovereign State is broke, Tim said. Unmarried people should be told to abstain. Period!
You might have heard the roar of anger, if the wind was right. So the Governor has announced that, while he hates taxes, he is going to accept at least part of the money because Minnesota pays more money to the Federal Government than it gets back. I don't know if that is true, but that is what our deep-thinking and profoundly moral Governor says.
Look at it this way: taxes are evil, unless you can work the system. If you can send the money to Washington, and then get it back again, it isn't like real taxes, and you can use them. Look at it this way: marriage and sex is for making babies, but if you have sex when it (might be) impossible to conceive, then it is a whole lot of fun, and God won't get mad at you. The rhythm method. Outsmart God! Outsmart Congress! Ethics is being smart! Pay no attention to the question of whether the rhythm method of sex and tax control is a deliberate attempt to do an end run around what the Almighty had in mind!
I suppose I am quibbling, but I keep wondering what will happen if our shallow-draft Governor actually does become President. Who will pay his salary? State should not send more to the Federal Government than they get back, which means that there will be no money to pay the President. Maybe Tim will have saved up enough to work for nothing. He almost pulled it off here in Minnesota! We don't have much to show for his almost-unbending commitment to going broke and blind.
(Maybe that going blind part has to do with a different sexual practice. There is probably a work-around for that, too.)
"Parents."
Tim Pawlenty, Governor of the Great and Sovereign State of Minnesota, who has mercifully almost abandoned attention to the State while he is running unannounced to become the next President of The United States, is an advocate of the rhythm method of cutting taxes.
The rhythm method of birth control is a deliberate plan for people to have sex precisely when, as the theory goes, the woman's ovulation cycle makes it impossible for her to conceive. Tiny Tim is a serious Christian, not of the Catholic type, but like Catholics, of the sort that believes that God invented marriage and sex for the purpose of making babies, and that if you aren't married and don't want babies, you shouldn't have sex. Contraception is considered to be a sin, whether it be of the B. F. Goodrich variety, or of the Dow Chemical variety.
And, much worse, there is no legitimate purpose for marriage other than to have children. God said, "Be fruitful and multiply and don't use condoms!" And people who aren't married shouldn't have children, because God invented marriage for the purpose of having children. So!, if you aren't married, don't have sex, because that is for making babies. And don't screw with the logic of the system by thwarting the process by using condoms, or pills, or taking cold showers afterwards!
Now Tim thinks taxes are awful, so he has spent his Governorship sailing across the Sovereign State in a shallow-draft boat, smiling at us and refusing to raise taxes. He has spent a lot of money, but he borrowed much of that, because taxes are awful. As you can see, Tiny is just about the perfect candidate to be our next Republican nominee for the Presidency.
But life, even on a shallow-draft boat, is not always smooth sailing. Recently, the Federal Government made almost a million dollars available to Minnesota for birth control education and programming. Tiny turned the money down because it did not simply advocate abstinence as a birth control measure for young people. It did advocate abstinence, but not just abstinence, because, as everybody knows, people don't abstain. They screw around, and then what?
It doesn't matter that the Sovereign State is broke, Tim said. Unmarried people should be told to abstain. Period!
You might have heard the roar of anger, if the wind was right. So the Governor has announced that, while he hates taxes, he is going to accept at least part of the money because Minnesota pays more money to the Federal Government than it gets back. I don't know if that is true, but that is what our deep-thinking and profoundly moral Governor says.
Look at it this way: taxes are evil, unless you can work the system. If you can send the money to Washington, and then get it back again, it isn't like real taxes, and you can use them. Look at it this way: marriage and sex is for making babies, but if you have sex when it (might be) impossible to conceive, then it is a whole lot of fun, and God won't get mad at you. The rhythm method. Outsmart God! Outsmart Congress! Ethics is being smart! Pay no attention to the question of whether the rhythm method of sex and tax control is a deliberate attempt to do an end run around what the Almighty had in mind!
I suppose I am quibbling, but I keep wondering what will happen if our shallow-draft Governor actually does become President. Who will pay his salary? State should not send more to the Federal Government than they get back, which means that there will be no money to pay the President. Maybe Tim will have saved up enough to work for nothing. He almost pulled it off here in Minnesota! We don't have much to show for his almost-unbending commitment to going broke and blind.
(Maybe that going blind part has to do with a different sexual practice. There is probably a work-around for that, too.)
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