Signs of the End-Times

Sports Illustrated, Aug. 26, 2013

Eric Black article in MinnPost

It is official.  Michele Bachmann confirms the good news:  she is not running for re-election, and the end of the world is near.  In her own mysterious way, Michele does not explain what the connection is between her decision not to run for re-election and the imminent end of the world, although both events may have something to do with the ethics charges against her, which she prayerfully denies, although it is the case that the guy in Iowa who was said to be the recipient of her illegal distribution of funds has not only announced his decision not to run for his own re-election, but has decided to leave office now.  

But let us be honest:  the signs of end-time activities are all around us.  For instance, Hillary Clinton appears to be considering a run for the Presidency.  That is the kind of things that could happen only during the end-times.  Even Sarah Palin finds Hillary's possible run an abomination:  Sister Sarah--whom you may recall is the former Half-Governor of Alaska, who quit at halftime of her first term--says she would be "very disappointed" if Ms. Clinton runs for the Presidency.  And if the thought of a sad Sister Sarah does not move you to contemplate the end of all things good, you are not the mindlessly horny citizen you purport to be.  

The signs of the end times are not all quite so dramatic as wayward Romanian princesses and profoundly patriotic Minnesota representatives on the House Intelligence Committee.  The Bible itself says that earthquakes and stress (such as that Sister Sarah feels) are end-time signs, as is an increase in vegetarianism and an increase in knowledge.  There will be signs in the sun and the moon and the stars, and waves will crash together in the sea, and men's hearts will fail them.  Half-Governors will show disappointment, and half-wits will be elected to Congress and, as John Stewart says, people will do everything they can to shut down government, and then deny they did it. (Actually, John Stewart said that they will fart, and then point to the dog.)  Ooh, ooh, ooh!  All you have to do is look around and you will see that Michele is on to something!

It is not clear to me that we can do much about it.  Our Belle, Michele, is on the House Intelligence Committee, after all, and Sister Sarah is terribly disappointed, ever since that John McCain thing, if you want to be honest:  that did not work out as she had hoped.  And who can deny that Noah's ark came to rest in Kentucky?  You can see that with your own eyes.  

It is probably too late to fully appreciate it, now, with the end so near, but surely we can find some comfort in knowing that we have elected an amazing number of people to Congress who are thinking their way through these perilous times with minds that have lain fallow for centuries, untouched by facts and worldly logic, waiting like Lucy and Linus for something to come on the clouds.  Maybe a map of the British Honduras.  Maybe a Great Pumpkin.

These are mysterious times.