Once upon a braver and riskier time,
Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura Governor.
Our present Governor is no Jesse Ventura.
That is good. That is bad.
Tim Pawlenty is our Governor now.
He had hoped that John McCain would pick him
to run for the Vice Presidency, but Sarah Palin
winked at John, promising more than she intended
to deliver, and John just stood there,
twirling his wedding ring, thinking about
how much Sarah could help him.
Tim tried winking, too, but by then John
had given his credit card to Sarah.
Our good Governor, Mr. Pawlenty,
is a fine and decent man. Everyone
who goes to that big megachurch with him says so.
Mr. Pawlenty is opposed to paying for anything,
so he has refused to raise taxes. Without enough
income, the State has had to slash services,
borrow massive amounts of money against
the future, and has discovered that while taxes
are evil--nigh unto satanic--user fees are not.
We have soaring user fees, stunted services,
and a prospective budget deficit that would cause
a lesser Governor to buckle at the knees.
Mr. Pawlenty, who only gives the impression
of being a sweet, hand-holding, soft-spoken wimp,
drew himself up to his full stature and announced
that he would not be seeking another term,
and had absolutely no idea what he would do next,
so then he set about doing what he had no idea of.
Now he is cozying up to the Bonkers people
in the Republican Party, and demonstrating to them
that he is more godly than God, more right than
Wilbur and Orville, and more electable than John.
This weekend he has been in Washington, D.C.,
at the Family Research Council, which is evaluating
all the Republican Wannabes for President. As I said,
Tim is tough, right, and a good, decent, Christian man.
Tim made that clear. He said our values
are under attack. American values. Christian values.
"At every turn," he said, "at every gathering,
we should start first things first by thanking and
acknowledging God.... It is what our nation
was founded on." (Tim knew his audience!)
Eventually, he began reading a Bible passage
featured at Ronald Reagan's inauguration.
(Tim knew his audience.) His audience knew
the Bible passage better than Tim did.
They joined in, reciting it from memory.
(Tim knew his audience.) Bren Gibson
from South Carolina said she appreciated his focus
on religion. "You have to get back to the Bible!"
she said.
Tim knew his audience, but not his nation.
Tim's Bible is a Christian Bible.
Tim's nation is a Christian nation.
Tim's values are the values held
held by right-wing advocates of
a wimpy and ineffective government,
except when that government can intrude
on anything that is not evangelical.
Everything that people like Tim Pawlenty assume
leaves out Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin,
every Jew in America, every Muslim in America,
everyone who is not religious in America,
and everybody else who does not look and think
like the evangelical Republicans at Wooddale Church.
Tim Pawlenty is another representative of the Bonkers
arm of the Residual Republican Party, assuming
that this is an evangelical nation, with evangelical values,
but very open, mind you, to treating other citizens,
who are not evangelicals, like the loveable, outside
members of our society that they are, who are always
welcome to the family services at Wooddale Church,
or any other right-thinking, American Christian Church.
What is an historically conscious, genuinely conservative
Republican not from South Carolina to do these days?
Their party has been ambushed by evangelical Christians!
They aren't a political party. They are an evangelical
Christian religious movement hijacking a nation.
They have sucked in the Republican Party and swallowed it.
I miss Jesse Ventura.
He was Bonkers, too,
but he was honest.
Minnesota elected Jesse Ventura Governor.
Our present Governor is no Jesse Ventura.
That is good. That is bad.
Tim Pawlenty is our Governor now.
He had hoped that John McCain would pick him
to run for the Vice Presidency, but Sarah Palin
winked at John, promising more than she intended
to deliver, and John just stood there,
twirling his wedding ring, thinking about
how much Sarah could help him.
Tim tried winking, too, but by then John
had given his credit card to Sarah.
Our good Governor, Mr. Pawlenty,
is a fine and decent man. Everyone
who goes to that big megachurch with him says so.
Mr. Pawlenty is opposed to paying for anything,
so he has refused to raise taxes. Without enough
income, the State has had to slash services,
borrow massive amounts of money against
the future, and has discovered that while taxes
are evil--nigh unto satanic--user fees are not.
We have soaring user fees, stunted services,
and a prospective budget deficit that would cause
a lesser Governor to buckle at the knees.
Mr. Pawlenty, who only gives the impression
of being a sweet, hand-holding, soft-spoken wimp,
drew himself up to his full stature and announced
that he would not be seeking another term,
and had absolutely no idea what he would do next,
so then he set about doing what he had no idea of.
Now he is cozying up to the Bonkers people
in the Republican Party, and demonstrating to them
that he is more godly than God, more right than
Wilbur and Orville, and more electable than John.
This weekend he has been in Washington, D.C.,
at the Family Research Council, which is evaluating
all the Republican Wannabes for President. As I said,
Tim is tough, right, and a good, decent, Christian man.
Tim made that clear. He said our values
are under attack. American values. Christian values.
"At every turn," he said, "at every gathering,
we should start first things first by thanking and
acknowledging God.... It is what our nation
was founded on." (Tim knew his audience!)
Eventually, he began reading a Bible passage
featured at Ronald Reagan's inauguration.
(Tim knew his audience.) His audience knew
the Bible passage better than Tim did.
They joined in, reciting it from memory.
(Tim knew his audience.) Bren Gibson
from South Carolina said she appreciated his focus
on religion. "You have to get back to the Bible!"
she said.
Tim knew his audience, but not his nation.
Tim's Bible is a Christian Bible.
Tim's nation is a Christian nation.
Tim's values are the values held
held by right-wing advocates of
a wimpy and ineffective government,
except when that government can intrude
on anything that is not evangelical.
Everything that people like Tim Pawlenty assume
leaves out Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin,
every Jew in America, every Muslim in America,
everyone who is not religious in America,
and everybody else who does not look and think
like the evangelical Republicans at Wooddale Church.
Tim Pawlenty is another representative of the Bonkers
arm of the Residual Republican Party, assuming
that this is an evangelical nation, with evangelical values,
but very open, mind you, to treating other citizens,
who are not evangelicals, like the loveable, outside
members of our society that they are, who are always
welcome to the family services at Wooddale Church,
or any other right-thinking, American Christian Church.
What is an historically conscious, genuinely conservative
Republican not from South Carolina to do these days?
Their party has been ambushed by evangelical Christians!
They aren't a political party. They are an evangelical
Christian religious movement hijacking a nation.
They have sucked in the Republican Party and swallowed it.
I miss Jesse Ventura.
He was Bonkers, too,
but he was honest.
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