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Strained Suzanne Somerses and Bulk Artichokes

I needed gasoline for my pickup,
and because it is not a frugal beast,
and because fuel prices are rising,
I decided to drive a long ways
to buy cheap gasoline at Costco.

While there, I bought a few other things,
in bulk, which is more than we can use
but it saves so much money that
I could not refuse.  One purchase
was a jar of artichoke hearts.
Well, not just a jar:  half a gallon.

I couldn't get the lid unscrewed.
I tried an old Scandinavian trick
of rolling it around on a cutting board
at about a 45 degree angle.  No luck!
I tried an old Washington State trick
of beating at it with a wooden spoon.
Our old lid opener was too small.
I punched a hole in the lid.

Finally, for the fifth and last time,
I sat down in a chair, clamped
the jar between my legs, and used
both hands to try to unscrew the top.

I take high blood pressure medicine,
you know, for moments like this

By all the saints in heaven!, I said,
or something related to that,
I cannot sit here like a wimp
while Sister Sarah up there in Alaska
is shooting wolves and grizzly bears
and paper tigers.  I risked a hernia.

The lid came loose!

I didn't realize that I had won,
at first, because of the popping noises
in both thighs.  I am no Suzanne Somers!
When I should have bought
a Thigh Master, I was just
replaying the commercials.

The artichoke hearts taste great!
I do walk funny, now; something
to do with the popping noises.
My insurance doesn't cover
popping noises, or strained
Suzanne Somerses.

What with driving that far to get gas,
and the unconvered end-of-life,
deathbed-counseling, socialistic
health care premiums,
those artichoke hearts cost
about $87. each.  In bulk.

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