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Same Sex and the End of the World



Plumbing is under attack!  You know what I mean.  Like pipe fittings:  male and female threads.  


That--over there--is an elbow, with female threads on one end, and male threads at the other.  The male threads are out there on the droopy end.  The female threads are the part the male threads fit into.  (You have to cut me some slack, here:  I am trying to be delicate.)


Anyway, that is how plumbing works.  The male part fits inside the female part.  It is how God first imagined plumbing should be.  It was probably The Good Lord's  plan all along, but when Adam, in the Garden of Eden, complained that he was lonesome, God threaded Adam and made a female thing sort of like . . . well, you know the story!


Theologians call things like this, "natural law".  It is just natural that a male pipe should fit inside a female fitting.  Of course, as you know, it is possible to have two pieces of plumbing that are threaded pretty much the same.  Let me show you:  



You can see the problem, right there!  That is not natural!  In order to save plumbing, Legislatures all over the country are proposing laws that specify that "Plumbing" is a name that has to be reserved for members of the opposite thread, only.  Male-male, or female-female pairs shall not be called "Plumbing", although (in some liberal States) they may have the right to pass water, and things like that, just so long as they do not call themselves "Plumbing".  

Here in Minnesota, where the Republican majority, temporarily putting aside problems they are having with the budget, and health care, and Medicare, and road and bridge maintenance, and inadequate schools, and funding the universities, and keeping the Vikings in town, have taken up the threat to natural plumbing and are doing their golly, gosh-darn, darndest to think their way through the natural order of things, and endorse a constitutional amendment to limit Plumbing to what God intended it to be.  

This isn't just about keen thinking, and being rational, and logical, of course, so they invited Pastor Bradlee Dean to open their session with prayer and a ponytail.  The Reverent Mr. Dean, whose ministry is called, "You Can Run But You Can't Hide", is a bit of a controversial figure, known for suggesting that people of the same thread should be put in jail, and maybe even executed.   

In his prayer, Mr. Dean implied that President Obama was not a Christian, and called Jesus Christ the Head of the Denomination, which every other President has acknowledged (whatever that means).  Afterwards, the Good Reverend expressed some admiration for the time when Plumbing was not a union between two union joints, or a connection between two nipples, but a good, old-fashioned joining together of one male and one female threaded thing forever, til rust do them part.  

Oh, good Lord, what a furor!  The Speaker of the House, Mr. Zellers, had trouble being heard over the chanting of the Plumbing Defense League outside, and the odd oddly-threaded members of the House howled in protest, and the guy who had suggested that Mr. Dean pray said he had been had, so Mr. Zellers did the only sensible and rational thing: he asked the regular House Chaplain to pray, and they said the Pledge of Allegiance again, and took another attendance vote.  

And what lies at the root this breakdown of our society and our Plumbing?  The insistence that Plumbing is not simply between a threaded male thing and a threaded female thing!  If we condone--let us say--both fine and coarse threads, or even hose threads, Plumbing as We Know It, will be destroyed!  What will be next?  

No wonder the world is ending today!  

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